IM SCREAMING JUST KIll ME BUT IM NOT DEAD!

Thu, Mar 26, 2009 at 12:34 PM By: *Shaddix32*

im on my knees every night praying to god. i scream 'please god help guide me so i can fix my broken world or just kill me now because im sick of this life im living now, i want out now!
im useless im nothing im pointless i cant save you i cant even save myself right now. i have 3 suicide kids 5 cutters and 7 people having a break down.i love you guys and your lifes are more important to me then my own will ever be, but plase give me a chance to save myself i have no boy to hold me and tell me ill be ok as he wipes away my tears and all of my friends are far far away so i have to fight this alone. i want someone to take my hand and tell me 'baby you'll get through this' but thats just a dream of mine.....
im sick of fighting with you people over something that should be between me and that guy. i love you guys but please back off your killing me, if you think what he did to me killed me think of how much it hurts to have my heart split in two. JUST STOP! your making me cry. im sorry im letting so many of you down by this blog.... god i wish i were the one that had to suffer and you could be ok. i love you but i wish this was all over.i need to change somethings in my life or i feel im going to die. so please stop fighting and to my suicide and cutters DONT stop talking to me i love you and i can get you through this just because im having problems dosnt mean im cutting you out of my life. call any time you need to talk you know im here for you.helping you makes me happy.
i want my old life back it all changed about a moth ago so i know i can do this and i have 4 of the best friends a girl could ask for in the world,and they all know who they are lol were always talking on the phone.

but im still waiting for that knight in shining armor to save me but lol but life isnt a fairytale, and as one of my guy friends tells me im not independent and i need to work on that but i say fuck you!!! because ive lived my whole life being alone and now i want to be loved and thats all i want, so you can kiss my ass! i might not be able to handle a break down on by myself but baby ill fight with you tell i die. im not gonna back down. sorry im just so pissed right now i hate when people underestimate me just because im different....

well welcome to my little break down maybe you can understand why im a fucking mess. but half of you are to blind to see the pain ive been going through but thats just because your not a true friend.
ive been stabbed in the back and in the heart so many times you think i would be dead. everyone says "o shes so pretty and she gets every guy she wants.... shes so lucky!" but i laugh at you for that because i hate this! i want to be loved for more then just my looks but no guy seems to see past my looks. ha thats one of the reasons i was a cutter when i was 15 i was sick of being prettyi wanted people to see how i felt inside of me.......WOW i better stop writing im telling to much. i love you guys more then you could ever know never forget that!

*MONICA*

  1. sixxersworld avatar

    On Apr 05, sixxersworld said:

    Wow...I'm sorry I havn't been around. Sounds like you're going through a lot right now. I agree with everyone else...it's great that you're getting all this shit out of your head...its th best thing you can do for yourself! I totally understand how you're feeling....believe me...I know you can get through the pain! You just gotta trust yourself...you're a strong person, probably more so then you realize! If people underestimate you that's their problem...never underestimate your power! You have obviously made it through cutting which is very hard to get over (despite what the common belief of society is)...I know first hand. So Kudos to you for that!! Remember there are people here that love and care about you!! *hugs*

  2. *Shaddix32* avatar

    On Mar 30, *Shaddix32* said:

    how is that awesome?

  3. *JadeTheOnlyOne777* avatar

    On Mar 30, *JadeTheOnlyOne777* said:

    awesome......

  4. *Shaddix32* avatar

    On Mar 30, *Shaddix32* said:

    lmao that made me laugh haha i guess i can always count on you for that no matter what ^_^ but yea it took me about 30 mins to write it in my note book when i was in class and then about 30 mins to type (im so freakin slow) but yea i feel like im going crazy i mean im sick of everything in my life right now i cant take this much longer i need something good in my life to hurry up and save me but.....it always seems to come to late, im not sure what to do its like i sit all day pushing my self away so i can have time to think and when i get that ime its like i have a million questions but my mind wont work its blank like im just a body with no mind or soul. i think i might be dead................ thats the only way that any of this makes scene to me

  5. Beeni avatar

    On Mar 27, Beeni said:

    Wow, Monica, how long did this take you to type. Now I understand why you just wanted me to read it on the blog because you put so much effort into writing it (plus now I have to comment) I will tell you what I actually think face to face because it feels kind of stupid for me to 'post it' lol, but right now I'm seriously thinking about buying you a little button than you can press that gives a holly wood scream or a . . . . stress ball. . . . or maybe your arm back. Remember to smile.

  6. *JadeTheOnlyOne777* avatar

    On Mar 27, *JadeTheOnlyOne777* said:

    and we you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. *Shaddix32* avatar

    On Mar 27, *Shaddix32* said:

    yes and i love you guys because of that your the best family ive ever had and i know im never alone when i talk to you i love you guys ^__^

  8. vern93 avatar

    On Mar 26, vern93 said:

    well u did say it took u 30 mins to write lol an i know u need to figure things out on ur own..u can be independant but remeber u have support from lots of ppl and im always here for u : )

  9. Hybrid911 avatar

    On Mar 26, Hybrid911 said:

    listen to the people below this post x

  10. *JadeTheOnlyOne777* avatar

    On Mar 26, *JadeTheOnlyOne777* said:

    oh my dear!!!!
    well, all this shit is to hard to deal for just one person!!!! please try to talk!!!! take some space and think a while but please don´t try to make this alone!!!
    well, you know you´re a very important one for me my dear friend!!!!
    so if you want to talk you know i ever be there for you!!!!! -^_^-

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