Message

Looking back 5 years I have to laugh at the person I was
gosh….. If only I knew the things I know now
that…….. That boy was going to hurt you, that you no longer talk to your best friend, that the papers and assignments you wined over are no comparison to 15 or 20 pages research assignments

wow how things have progressed
but….. If I did know then what I know now would that change anything
would I still have taken all those chances
would I have given my heart to him
or made the promises I made
would I have complained as much

People ask you if you could go back would you do things differently
and before I answer I think
if I did things differently it would save me so much
So much hurt and heartache, so many tears so many headaches, so much frustration and late nights
The possibilities.....my life would be so much easier now if I did things differently then

but then I stop and think would it really
it might save me so much now
but what about all the memories
the secrets with best friends, the inside jokes, the laughs, the hugs , the late night phone calls, the butterflies, the numb feeling you get when you share that first kiss or 5th kiss, the smiles and the corny moments when everything seemed so right in the world

What would you really be saving if you changed things
5 years ago I was a dumb teenager that made some really stupid decisions
but looking at them now they were worth it
despite all the broken promises, and the fighting, the tears and the stitches on my heart
I wouldn’t change the past

those things that hurt me are the things that defined me as I slowly moved forward with my life
And now 5 years later I am who I am because of those things
Yes …. Sometimes I reminisce in the things that happened and the thing that never did
Would things be different if …..?
Everyone has their days
but for so long the bad things defined who I was
I held on to them for so long they changed me
and I let them go because of that …, why let those memories define you ??
Well they did and I cant change that
But I am who I am because of them and I see no shame in that

It takes me a long time to open up to people
I do not trust people easily
I am hesitant to talk to anyone in that way
I do not like being in relationships
I have a hard time even considering the possibilities of a happily ever after
but this is me
what I did back then has made me who I am today

And it might not be the most ideal outcome but its me
and I could even imagine myself any other way


life will always put obstacles in your way
if you always made the right decision
what kind of life would that be ?
boring, is my guess
its the hard things in life that make you realize the true treasures you have

My story at this point seems more like a nightmare
yes the teenage girl that has her first love only to be hurt ....blah blah blah we have all heard the story a million times i know but every persons story is different
and every body chooses how to write the rest of their story based on the decisions they make

i dont know where exactly i am going with this
it is more just a rant
but what i am saying is
everyone is different everyone has their good and bad memories
and everyone has made decisions that dont work out the way you expected
but dont think that changing anything would have helped
as someone who for so long thought "if only i did .....i would be happy.........."
dont waste your time

yes evaluate your life
over and over and over again evaluate the decisions you make
but never second guess your choices in the future just because your choices in the past led you to getting hurt

there is no real "bad decision"
every decision leads to a different outcome whether its ideal or it works for you situation or not it was still worth it in some way it might take you a while to discover in hat way but nothing in life is meaningless ..... if at one point your head or heart heart told you to go for it then there is some worth in that..................