Today,while breakfast,i talked with my dad.
i hate it to talk to him,cause it makes me always cry.
He even dosnt know whats my middle name...he dont know how often and why i was at the hospital. My dad dont know how my life was at the past eight years...He says things like how happy he was,at the times where it was just him and my mother.
How much problems i make him and how i strain on his nerves....then he wishes sometimes i wasnt born.
Thats the things he says kinda week for week...it shouldnt hurt me,but gosh i feel like someone is putting some knifes in my throat.
We both go to an shrink,he because he is an pain-patient,since his bad accedent some years ago.
Thanks to him,cause him i started with morphium and now im really into that shit. I have to say i kinda hate him. But i shouldnt..it wasnt his choice to took the syringes. But it was even not his choice to let me fade away from everything.
A few minutes ago he came into my room and sayed that it hurts,that i dont talk to him or my mother,or brother about my feelings and problems. i just sayed "Why the hell you care about me? Why now? You dont bother an shit about me in the past years..dont start it now"
And than he sayed the words that makes me cry as hell:"Because i love you"
I dont think that he loves me. he has just remorse. i wont love him.
I have no clue how i should handel that all. it cant go on like this.
THAT,daddy..that hurts...but he´ll never know..cause he never listen