Can't cry anymore...
I found a photograph of me, Jane and her little boy last night while searching for photographs of my past Halloween efforts. Some say that you can contact the dead on Halloween. Personally, I don't think I want to even try it since I once did and Granddad came to me in a dream. I woke up crying with both sadness that he's gone and happiness he's watching over me. I do believe in life after death but if I stand by my belief's, Jane won't be at peace yet. It's really scary to think I read about this and what people believe to happen once we die and now I'm old enough to understand, I question things, y'know? I keep getting really weird thoughts about things that I really shouldn't be thinking about.
I really don't think I'm strong enough emotionally to go to a funeral on Monday. I'm absolutely dreading it. I don't know how to handle these situations. I won't cry, but I'm not insensitive and I'm scared because I can't cry that my family will hate me for it. I feel like I can't cry cos I've cried enough already. My cousin wouldn't have wanted me to cry. She was so happy and full of life (before the eating disorder) and I know she wouldn't want me upset as I've got to stay strong for everyone else. When I first heard, I felt numb and cried myself to sleep cursing the world once again... And now, it's almost like I can't cry anymore.
Only time I really cry is when my hormones are all over the place or other pathetic, stupid things like breaking up with someone or Dad being a pain in the fucking arse or like when Anne had to go back to the Netherlands... Y'know really stupid trivial things like that... But when my own flesh and blood dies very young... I can't cry? I must be sick in the fucking head.