Can't cry anymore...

Sat, Oct 31, 2009 at 5:00 PM By: Hybrid911

I found a photograph of me, Jane and her little boy last night while searching for photographs of my past Halloween efforts. Some say that you can contact the dead on Halloween. Personally, I don't think I want to even try it since I once did and Granddad came to me in a dream. I woke up crying with both sadness that he's gone and happiness he's watching over me. I do believe in life after death but if I stand by my belief's, Jane won't be at peace yet. It's really scary to think I read about this and what people believe to happen once we die and now I'm old enough to understand, I question things, y'know? I keep getting really weird thoughts about things that I really shouldn't be thinking about.

I really don't think I'm strong enough emotionally to go to a funeral on Monday. I'm absolutely dreading it. I don't know how to handle these situations. I won't cry, but I'm not insensitive and I'm scared because I can't cry that my family will hate me for it. I feel like I can't cry cos I've cried enough already. My cousin wouldn't have wanted me to cry. She was so happy and full of life (before the eating disorder) and I know she wouldn't want me upset as I've got to stay strong for everyone else. When I first heard, I felt numb and cried myself to sleep cursing the world once again... And now, it's almost like I can't cry anymore.

Only time I really cry is when my hormones are all over the place or other pathetic, stupid things like breaking up with someone or Dad being a pain in the fucking arse or like when Anne had to go back to the Netherlands... Y'know really stupid trivial things like that... But when my own flesh and blood dies very young... I can't cry? I must be sick in the fucking head.

  1. PapaRoachPunk avatar

    On Nov 01, PapaRoachPunk said:

    What a beautiful photo of you and Jane you have, hun. I know tomorrow is going to be almost unbearable, but you musn't think that there is a right or wrong way to grieve. You will deal with grief the way your body tells you. Jane knows how much you loved her and always will. I'll be thinking of you, much love x

  2. Vetinari avatar

    On Nov 01, Vetinari said:

    not crying when family die doesnt mean your strange in the head, just means that you dont deal with those things in that way

    I know monday wont be easy for you, funerals aint easy for anyone. I do hope that monday isnt to hard for you

  3. themudsharkinterview avatar

    On Nov 01, themudsharkinterview said:

    I didn't cry once when my Grandad died. Then someone mentioned chutney and I just lost it. How to overcome grief is very complex and reactions to it vary in everyone. Many people have differences; obviously this could be from what a peron cries over or what a person finds funny.

    You are upset about this whole situation. Crying isn't the only way of emitting sadness. What if your family read some of the blogs you've wrote? Surely these could be proof enough.

  4. PapahhRoachhLoveer. avatar

    On Nov 01, PapahhRoachhLoveer. said:

    Jade,i've said this thirty times before the one thing i hate about you is you coming down waaay to hard on yourself.
    I didn't cry at my grandma's funeral infact i didn't cry at all...i hated myself for it but the tears would not come out that doesn't mean to say your not as sad as everyone else.. i really don't know what to say Jade what I do know is i'm shit loads sorry for you and cross my heart hope to die I mean that...
    Maybe your just thinking you won't cry maybe because of the atmosphere at the funeral you will...As always you'll be on my mind Spade but tommorrow more than usual ;) take care hunny lots of hugs x

  5. vern93 avatar

    On Oct 31, vern93 said:

    hey there right ur being too hard on urself. u are perfectly fine the way u are : ) ppl deal witht hings differently and ur right. she wouldnt have wanted u to keep on going on being miserable and crying. i know u can be strong for ur family and they wont hate u for it *hugs* im here if u need me but u can do this : )

  6. vern93 avatar

    On Oct 31, vern93 said:

    hey there right ur being too hard on urself. u are perfectly fine the way u are : ) ppl deal witht hings differently and ur right. she wouldnt have wanted u to keep on going on being miserable and crying. i know u can be strong for ur family and they wont hate u for it *hugs* im here if u need me but u can do this : )

  7. metalheaduk avatar

    On Oct 31, metalheaduk said:

    There is no right or wrong way of handling grief. Some people cry loads, others don't. I've unfortunately been to 4 funerals in the past 3 years and I handled each one differently. You're stronger than your think. Crying at the funeral doesn't mean your weak. I cried so much at my friend's funeral and my grandad's. Both times I felt stupid, but I realise now that I wasn't. I'm here via phone or facebook if you want to talk hun xxx

  8. Karina P avatar

    On Oct 31, Karina P said:

    You are being way too hard on yourself honey...everyone grieves in their own way and if you don't cry that does not mean that you are a bad person or that you are sick in the head...you just deal differently!! If your family knows you well enough they will know that this is how you deal and they will not judge you for it or think any less of you for it!! Hang in there sweets and you will get thru this. I will pray that God will give you the strength that you will need to get thru it!! He is always there, lean on Him anytime...Take care...hugs!! You have been on my mind...

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