Letting this out.

Wed, Dec 23, 2009 at 1:35 AM By: ♫ Mindy M-80!

Long time, no blog - and long time, no talk. I'm sorry I haven't been responding to any comments or being active on here that much. I've not neglected Papa Roach. In fact, I've been listening to them quite a lot the past few nights. This blog could be viewed as graphic or gross by some, I suppose. But I've got to vent a little.

Something happened to me quite a few months ago - sometime back in the March-April area, I'd say. I never googled it, because I was honestly quite afraid of what I'd find, but the other night, the curiousity just struck me and I decided to look it up. I wish I hadn't.

What happened is that I was late for my period back then, I'm certain a couple of you can recall the blog I wrote around that time, about being scared I was pregnant - but then I was happy and relieved, because I finally had my period. It was a painful "period", in fact, I found out the other night that it wasn't a period, it was actually a miscarriage. A part of me felt that's what it was, but I just couldn't bare to confirm it. All of the signs were there, the back pain, the heavier bleeding, it lasting longer than usual, horrible, horrible cramps, and then I passed this tough, hard gray tissue (which is what bothered me the most, but I kind of shut it out as best as I could) and it all stopped, except for some light bleeding.

I wouldn't be blogging about this, but while I was googling and reading on everything, I found out that the circle I saw on the gray tissue was the eye of the baby, and it really, really tore me up and I haven't talked to anyone about it, because it was so long ago, you know? I'd be talking to my boyfriend now, but I don't really know how he would react and I don't want to upset him over it, and I don't feel right talking to my mom about it all. I'm just using this blog as my way to cope. All along, my insticts sort of told me that it was a miscarriage, but it's different when it's actually, I guess, confirmed? It just makes me wonder about how things could have been, would have been, and why it happened. I know it does no good to wonder or think what could have been. I'm just going to leave it as, everything happens for a reason. I'll just never understand why, honestly.

I wish I could say I didn't feel so disassembled right now - but I'm assuming it's normal for everyone?

I don't mean this to be turned into a pity party, not by any means - this is just my own place to blog, where I know none of my family or friends will go to read.

It just feels difficult, even though it was months ago.

I don't really know what else to say. I just couldn't keep it balled up any longer, but I am okay.

  1. Kel {Chaotic Lover} avatar

    On Dec 23, Kel {Chaotic Lover} said:

    Oh my gosh. I'm nearly in tears. I am so sorry. That's terrible. But, it seems like you're dealing with it pretty okay.

  2. Sammy! avatar

    On Dec 23, Sammy! said:

    Omg :( I'm so sorry. By the sounds of it you're pretty strong and I'm sure you'll pull through. I'll always be here to talk if you need it.

  3. Yogi avatar

    On Dec 23, Yogi said:

    lol...... u really had a very long journey it seems...............

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