Letting this out.
Long time, no blog - and long time, no talk. I'm sorry I haven't been responding to any comments or being active on here that much. I've not neglected Papa Roach. In fact, I've been listening to them quite a lot the past few nights. This blog could be viewed as graphic or gross by some, I suppose. But I've got to vent a little.
Something happened to me quite a few months ago - sometime back in the March-April area, I'd say. I never googled it, because I was honestly quite afraid of what I'd find, but the other night, the curiousity just struck me and I decided to look it up. I wish I hadn't.
What happened is that I was late for my period back then, I'm certain a couple of you can recall the blog I wrote around that time, about being scared I was pregnant - but then I was happy and relieved, because I finally had my period. It was a painful "period", in fact, I found out the other night that it wasn't a period, it was actually a miscarriage. A part of me felt that's what it was, but I just couldn't bare to confirm it. All of the signs were there, the back pain, the heavier bleeding, it lasting longer than usual, horrible, horrible cramps, and then I passed this tough, hard gray tissue (which is what bothered me the most, but I kind of shut it out as best as I could) and it all stopped, except for some light bleeding.
I wouldn't be blogging about this, but while I was googling and reading on everything, I found out that the circle I saw on the gray tissue was the eye of the baby, and it really, really tore me up and I haven't talked to anyone about it, because it was so long ago, you know? I'd be talking to my boyfriend now, but I don't really know how he would react and I don't want to upset him over it, and I don't feel right talking to my mom about it all. I'm just using this blog as my way to cope. All along, my insticts sort of told me that it was a miscarriage, but it's different when it's actually, I guess, confirmed? It just makes me wonder about how things could have been, would have been, and why it happened. I know it does no good to wonder or think what could have been. I'm just going to leave it as, everything happens for a reason. I'll just never understand why, honestly.
I wish I could say I didn't feel so disassembled right now - but I'm assuming it's normal for everyone?
I don't mean this to be turned into a pity party, not by any means - this is just my own place to blog, where I know none of my family or friends will go to read.
It just feels difficult, even though it was months ago.
I don't really know what else to say. I just couldn't keep it balled up any longer, but I am okay.